I think I might have developed borderline seasonal depression around this time of the year: specifically the month of October. Even just thinking about the word “October” gives me cold chills down my spine. As some of you guys may know from my previous blog entries, I had a pretty shitty October back in ’09. I went through a really rough stretch where I was on a 5-fig downswing, which was a lot of money to lose at the time, and was unable to beat 2/4 on top of having to deal with my parents finding out me playing poker. But the monetary aspect didn’t even come close to the betrayal I felt from a lot of relationships being broken with people who I deemed to be close with at the time, and just struggling to adapt to the post-college life in general. I just felt so isolated not being around the people that I was used to being around with, and being away from the whole college bubble while my friends who were still attending college at the time seemed to be having a blast. It was as if they forgot about me and neglected me. I remember it was a very betrayal-filled, cold, bitter October that particular year. Not to mention around this time of the year is when it starts to get really chilly outside. And as many hopeless romantics do, I get quite sentimental when fall weather comes around.
Well even though history really hasn’t quite repeated itself (at least not yet?), it’s as if I have this glooming prediction that this month is going to suck. I really reaaaaaaally don’t want to be a pessimist but I think I have come to realize that what happened to me that year has left a lasting impression to my emotional state around this time. Even mother nature was playing tricks with me, as this October 1st started out with a drastic change in temperature: probably by like at least a margin of 20 degrees. It’s like as if it knew October started. And today is the 3rd of October and I just feel highly unmotivated. It feels like it’s as if I’m under a curse. I don’t know if it is the weather and what not, but I just absolutely don’t feel like doing anything productive. I think I’m even going to skip gymming today, which has never really happened since I started working out 5 months ago.
It’s not necessarily the weather that’s bothering me though, although it is definitely exacerbating my already dampened mood. Today I was feeling so down that I actually compiled a list of reasons of why I thought I might feel the way I feel (pretty dorky I know) and tried to find a solution of making myself feel better. I realized that on top of all the applications that I still need to fill out, which I am wayyyy behind schedule of, my MCAT scores are coming in tomorrow and I am really anxious TBH, esp. with the history of having received a worse score in the past and knowing how shitty that felt. I just keep thinking “what if that happens again?” I honestly don’t know how I will be able to get myself out of the disappointment. But I gotta remind myself that circumstances were a lot different this year than it was back then, and that I probably did a lot better. Besides, the test was already done a month ago and there’s nothing I can do now to change it. So that’s that. I’m just hoping that once I get done with all my secondaries, it will be a huge burden that I laid down off my back and that things will start to look up. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to finally act upon some things that I have pushed off because I’ve been so “busy” (most of the time it was simply cuz I was lazy). Just gotta look towards the prize! And keep striving. There’s not much you can do with the waiting part, so just live life to the fullest I suppose.
Here’s to a more cheerful blog entry next time! Cheers.
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